We made a fake Hinge profile for a married man.
Dating profile tips by people who have no business giving advice.
Last year, my friends and I compiled dating profile tips, and it feels appropriate to revisit them post-Valentine’s Day. If you’re coupled up and wondering what the dating hellscape looks like, or if you’re single and it’s time for a profile audit, then you’ll love our social experiment.
Sometime last year, I invited friends over, and Ina Garten’s tomato goat cheese tart made an appearance. I did not account for their gluten or cheese allergies, which I discovered after they climbed nineteen flights of stairs because both elevators were broken. Mistakes were made. Luckily, everyone drinks.
For dessert, we passed around phones to compare dating profiles and offer feedback.
"You need photos of you surrounded by friends because this is giving off the impression that you’re friendless."
Profiles need social proof that you’re a functional human being. A camera roll with no witnesses reads as suspicious.
"You're attracting too specific a guy."
For instance:
I go crazy for bad tattoos.
We changed the second prompt to:
You should leave a comment if you know: long division.
Specific is good, but sometimes you accidentally niche yourself into a corner. A Venn diagram of bad tattoos and that fast math, and we're in action.
The Experiment:
After some time, we wondered what the competition was like. As straight women, we were only privy to men’s profiles, so we wondered what the cis female equivalent was to a man holding a fish. Judy had the idea of creating a profile for Pax, her husband, to use for research. She reminded Pax that she had almost swiped past his profile and that this time would be different because she was taking over curation. Which read like this:
My irrational fear: Chapter books.
My best quality is getting my wife coffee in the morning.
It was a clear message that this profile was intended for research or a threesome.
We Chromecast the profiles and were met with ten hot Instagram models vacationing in Italy. They could have led a Skillshare on posing. As a “new user,” the algorithm gave us a suspicious All-Star lineup before inevitably crashing us down to reality.
Simple pleasures: Staying active and pasta.
Dating me is like Always searching for a snack.
"They all look very hungry."
After the 20th profile, that bleak familiarity began to creep in from swiping on our own matches—voice memos filled with unnecessary plot, over-filtering, and multiple photos from the same day and outfit. One by one, we critiqued them all. Were we being judgmental, or were we crusaders of good taste? Whatever our motives, we had advice to offer, and online dating needs a judges’ panel.
Dating Profile Tips & Observations, by People Who Have No Business Giving It:
It appears girls are having difficulty getting their friends to take hot photos of them. People need to do their part in taking hot pictures of each other. Raise the issue at your next brunch.
2. Candids are necessary to show you have friends. It subconsciously implies that you have them.
3. A video or a short GIF is great. If you can show off your angles rather than choosing catfish-type photos, it creates a sense of ease and increases your chances of someone committing to an actual date.
4. Pasta, cheese, or Pilates are not personalities. Sometimes, a slightly polarizing prompt can get more responses because it shows who you genuinely are.
5. Voice prompts are okay, but leave out plot points. Instead, leave a cheeky note or a quip if your voice is hot. Otherwise, skip it.
6. There are still people using the ‘Nashville’ filter and cranking the saturation to 100. It doesn’t make you look tan; it just makes you look stuck in 2014. No filter is the best filter.
7. Multiple photos in the same outfit suggest you don’t get out much.
8. Do not answer the prompt: This year I’d like to…Get off this app.” Yes. We all would.
9. Do not lead with tragedy, sarcasm, or reference exes.
10. Don’t keep the‘What you’re looking for’ as blank. Being direct is cool and saves time. The consensus, no matter what you write, is that nothing should feel intense on the first date, which is reserved for playful energy.
"These girls are out here taking three selfies in a row and then writing sincere full paragraphs about red flags."
I always think that if I had a dev team at my disposal, I would create a new dating app. One that lets you recommend profiles to friends, mirroring how people are introduced in real life. But until someone approves my imaginary pitch deck, I lay it all here.
Please consider this our public service. If you would like your profile audited by unlicensed professionals, email me a screenshot. Two to three business days. No refunds.
